I'm walking along the sidewalk..

 I

…

We're walking along a beautiful Verdun, Quebec sidewalk. 

I'm with my best friend, my sister Shayna. 

It's Sunday so we get up early, get dressed and start our day.

We love Sundays cause we got cookies and goodies at the churches.

During the week we'd just go to Steinberg's downstairs and steal food. But, not on Sundays!!

We make our way down the long Verdun sidewalks

Stopping at every church we pass. 

And let me tell you, we knew our way around the streets. 

We own them. We knew where all the churches around verdun were. And when we wandered a bit too far we knew it!

It's me and Shay against the world. 

I am happy. 

I was born happy. 

I love my sister so much.

And for the most part she takes good care of us.

We walk into our first church of the day.

The line is always so long.

We wait patiently.

The man puts that weird tasting food in my mouth.  

It's not the best, but it's a start to finding our food for the day.

We leave and walk to the next church.

I am 5 and Shayna's 6 years old.

We're walking along the cold LaSalle, Quebec sidewalk.  

We're cold and hungry on our way to school. 

It starts snowing. 

It's a long walk and we're dilly dallying. 

We go into the shopping centre instead.

It's warm in there and there's food. 

We don't go to school that day.

I am 8 and Shayna's 9 years old.

I'm walking along the sidewalk in Surrey BC. 

It's a beautiful summer night. 

But I miss my sister. 

I don't want to go home.

Mom's mad at me again for stealing her welfare check.

You see, I stole the money so my friend could buy a bus ticket back home to Saskatchewan.

But, now it's past midnight. 

So I started making my way home. 

I cut through the park across the street from my house.

I see some lights are still on. 

I wanna be inside getting along with my family so badly.

But, I don't know how to. 

I love them so much. 

But, I don't think they love me anymore. 

I can understand why.

I hear something behind me!! 

I turned around quickly!! 

There's a man right behind me!!! 

OMG! I'm terrified, frozen in fear!! 

I check out of reality. 

I protect myself mentally and black out. 

I am 13 years old.

I'm walking along the sidewalk in New Westminster B.C. 

It's raining. 

I'm cold, tired and hungry. 

I'm walking by nice houses looking inside their cozy lives. 

Soft lamps glowing, families watching TV together. 

They all look so normal and happy. 

I want that so badly it hurts. 

I keep walking.

Wondering if I'll ever have that. 

I know there's something very wrong with me.  

I always feel like a loser. 

A nobody that nobody wants. 

Not even me.

I have a family who loves me. 

Afterall, I am a mother. 

I miss my sons.  

Why can't I just take care of them like other mothers do? 

I keep walking wondering why do I always have to be outside looking in?  

I am 18 years old.

I'm walking along the sidewalk in Surrey B.C. 

It's a crisp night. 

I'm exhausted, I can barely keep walking. 

I stole my new shoes in a size too small and my feet are killing me. 

I think about my family. 

I wonder what they're doing right now? 

I miss them so much. 

I show up at mom's door unannounced. 

She is so surprised! 

She's always so happy to see me.

It's been at least a month since she's known for sure her baby girl was still alive. 

I know she sleeps light every night.

So when the police knock on her door in the middle of the night to tell her I'm dead she'll hear them knocking. 

I eat and pass out.

I love you mom.

I am 22 years old.

I'm walking along the sidewalk in New Westminster BC. 

It's a cool winter day. 

I'm freaking out!! 

Today Jesse is 9 years old!!! 

It's a day to be spent with my family. 

I love them so much.

I called my mom yesterday to let her know I will be at her house today for Jesse's birthday. 

She sounded relieved but scared. 

She told me that she didn't have a dime for his party. 

I told her I'd come with the cake, icecream, food and presents.

I was surprised. 

Mom usually always has her shit together for my kids. Afterall, she is raising them. 

Thank God!!!!

But I'm freaking out cause it's Jesse's birthday, 

It's noon and I'm trying to sell a few grams of pot on the streets to get enough money for the party this afternoon.

Mom's counting on me. 

Jesse has 6 or so friend's he's invited.

I decide to not call and communicate with them until I have money.

Finally I sell a gram! 

But can't sell another one.

It was a slow day on the street being Sunday.

I'm getting tired and discouraged. 

I buy a fix to keep me going.

Once my ears stop ringing, I get up and continue walking the streets looking for people wanting to buy pot.

I hear someone yelling "Mom! Mom!!" 

I turn toward the telling. 

It's Jesse and Josh in the back seat of my moms car. 

Holy fuck I'm way too high for this right now.. 

I walk over to the car. 

My mom's boyfriend is in the front seat. 

I give the boys a hug.

Mom's boyfriend says "if I were you Tam, I'd get out of here before your mom comes out." 

I ask him where she is.

He says she's pawning something inside to pay for Jesse's party. 

I quickly hugged the boys goodbye and walked away.

With them calling out to me.

I can still hear them yelling for me to come back

I keep walking and turn the corner as fast as I can.

I am 26 years old.

I'm walking along the sidewalk in Edmonton, Alberta. 

I'm 8 months pregnant with my 4th child.

It's rush hour, downtown. 

It's a beautiful summer day. 

I'm higher than a kite on crystal meth.

It's so weird cause I didn't know I was pregnant until I was about 5 months along. 

One day I felt a movement in my stomach. 

And that's how I knew I was pregnant.

I haven't been to the Dr yet.

But I'm gonna go soon.

I walk over to a crowded bus loop area.

There's tons of people waiting for different buses.

Tired after a long day's work probably.

Omg! Jesse's on one of the buses.

He's calling me "mom!". 

I run across the loop to the bus. 

I get on, I look around trying to find him. 

Hmmm..that's weird.

He's not here.

Where'd he go

Then Josh starts calling me from a different bus. 

I run over to the bus and get on.

It's packed solid with people just waiting to take off. 

I look around the crowded bus and can't find him either. 

I call down the bus "Josh!." 

What the hell is going on? 

He just called me from this bus?…

The bus driver wants to leave. 

He asks me for transit fare.

But I'm still thinking about where Jesse and Josh are. 

Someone offers me their seat up front.

I sit down

Thankfully the bus is starting to empty.

I can at least see everyone on the bus..

I look down and wow!

It's my 3rd child Madison.

She's 2 years old.

She's standing right in front of me.

Her arms are up for me to pick her up. 

I love all my kids so much.

I reach down to pick her up. 

She disappears into thin air, just like that!. 

I look up and the whole bus is staring at me.

They look scared, shocked, traumatized and sad all at the same time. 

They're making me uncomfortable.

The bus stops and I get off.

I am 30 years old.

I'm walking along the sidewalk in Montreal, Quebec. 

It's a beautiful summer day. 

It's been a while, I just got out of the pen. 

I miss the sidewalk.

I won't get used to it though I'm only on the sidewalk for a couple of days. 

I just got out on my ⅔ rds. 

That means I've still got ¼ of my 2 year sentence to complete.

But I'm out on the street again this time In a halfway house. 

I can't stand THEM. 

THEY know I'm a returning loyal customer. 

I keep THEM in business.

THEY are all employed because of me. 

Bunch of fuckers. 

THEY guaranteed my loyalty for life. 

By continuously releasing me back into society without any rehabilitation by THEM.

And by THEM setting such unreasonable conditions.

No crime.

Make every appointment with THEM.

Follow the halfway houses rules.

Piss clean. 

Four of my infinite weak spots.

I've been on parole or probation all of my life.

Well, actually, sorry I exaggerated.

Since I was 9 years old I've been on either probation or parole.

I go get high. 

I walk to the mall. 

I'm sitting in the cop shop.

I call my mom. 

They love it when I'm in jail cause nobody worries about my junkie ass. 

They can sleep a bit harder tonight. 

I hope I stop doing this to them soon.

Jesse answers the phone. 

He's older.

Hes angrier

For the first time in his life I could hear something that scared the shit out of me in his voice. Something I've never heard before. 

Wait!! 

No!! 

Jesse come back!! 

Please..omg!!! 

He's finally realized I'm a complete loser!! 

He's done with my shit. 

He was expecting me to go see them this weekend. 

Without answering me he quietly passes the phone to my mother.

I break out in a huge rash.

I start to itch and get hives all over my body. 

Mom tells me it's nerves.

I lay down in my cell and settle in.

At least mom's happy. 

I love you so much mom.

I'm 35 years old.

I'm walking along the sidewalk in Cowansville, Quebec

I meet someone lost and just wandering around in survival too.

He's a mess.

I'm a mess.

It's a match made in hell.

But, he is loyal to the end, the quality I loved about him the most.

We trip together high on speed.

Jesse is struggling with addiction in Edmonton, Alberta

I haven't spoken to him in a couple of years.

Josh is serving a prison sentence in Montreal, Quebec.

Madison is going through her teens without a mother.

Thank God for mom who has both Maddy and Samantha.

Sams starting high school and it's starting to get wild at home.

Belle is my 5th child.

She's living not far from me with her father.

He has full custody of her and has since she was 3 years old.

I am always high and I don't see her at all.

I haven't seen her for a few years now.

Moms pissed at me.

I mailed Josh a pair of shoes with some pot inside them.

The shoes got stopped at the prison security check.

The package was sent in my mother's name so THEY didn't get suspicious.

Josh tells THEM that it was his friend who used my mom's name. 

He got an additional few months added to his current sentence.

I know I should at least call them once in a while. 

I'll call tomorrow.

Today I'm getting high.

Im a stupid bitch.

i'm 41 years old.

I'm walking down the sidewalk in Calgary, Alberta.

I'm with Madison who's 14 and Samantha who's 12.

We get off the greyhound bus at midnight

The long trip is finished..

We are tired, cold and hungry.

We settled into the West side of Canada.

I had just finished a 6 month sentence in Montreal.

I got out in June.

While I was in, I read a book about decision making.

Something clicked inside my brain.

I made a conscious decision.

For the first time in my life.

Sitting there on my cell bunk.

I promised right then and there that I would be in my kids lives again full time.

That I no longer gave myself permission to let my mother raise my kids.

I learned at that moment how to make a decision.

A decision is making a choice and sticking by it. 

No matter what happens.

In order to do that, I had to quit drugs and alcohol.

OMG! Do I dare to dream that big 

September 14th 2014, me and 2 of my daughters hop on a bus to Alberta.

In October my boyfriend calls and asks if he could come out too. 

I say Yes.

He drives out from Quebec.

I contact Jesse for the first time in a couple of years.

He is still doing hard time on the Edmonton streets.

We drive to Edmonton to pick him up.

He is skinny, tired and worn out from the fight.

Standing there barely alive.

My baby.

He saved my life. 

I don't know how many times.

I was more than happy to return the favor.

Jesse and I grew up together.

I got pregnant with him at 15 years old.

He was my ticket out of the juvenile system.

Or so I thought.

Josh is living in BC, he is on his way to come live with us.

Right after I made my first decision, automatically I had to make a very hard decision.

I make the second conscious decision of my life.

I have to save myself and leave Quebec.

And try to save 4 out of 5 of my kids.

Belle will be left behind in Quebec.

A piece of me dies that day.

I am 46 years old.

I'm walking down the sidewalk in Vancouver , BC.

It's as beautiful as I remember it in my dreams.

I can't believe it's already been 5 years since I've been clean and sober.

Thats crazy!

I love my life.

I take care of myself very well.

Sam is getting ready to graduate from high school.

My boyfriend of 8 years is Jesse's best friend.

They drink, smoke pot and play chess together for hours.

Jesse doesnèt speak french.

My boyfriend doesnt speak english.

Madison is doing her test for high school.

Josh started his own business.

Life is good.

I can't believe it's been 5 years since I have been clean and sober.

I am 48 years old.

I am walking down the sidewalk in Cowansville, Quebec.

It's september 9th 2019.  

I'm skinny and weak.

I wonder how my legs are holding me up.

I lost 70 pounds.

I weigh close to 95 pounds.

I've been high on speed since january 22 2019.

My boyfriend and I split up.

Jesse is not doing good at all in BC living with Josh.

Josh is going crazy with Jesse in the apartment.

Madison is living in Kamloops, BC by herself.

She's addicted to pot.

Sam has just graduated.

I missed it.

I haven't spoken to anyone in the family since January.

A thought that i never have had before comes to mind.

I'd better sober up on my friend's couch where I've been staying.

Or I'll be doing it inside.

I have never in my life stopped drugs willfully.

I have stopped drugs many times.

Because I ended up inside with charges.

But, never on my own free will.

I rarely did drugs while inside.

I stayed clean and sober.

I went to school.

I looked for therapy inside the prison libraries.

Mom and Shayna slept well whenever I went to jail.

They didn't have to worry.

I'm not sure what my kids thought about their mother being in prison all the time..

I wonder if they were scared for me.

I've never asked them.

It must have been hard on them.

They love me.

They somehow know that my intentions were good.

Although the outcome was usually disastorous.

Prisons saved my life.

I crawl up the stairs and sleep for a month.

I am 48 years old.

I am walking down the sidewalk in beautiful Montreal, Quebec.

It's a bright, beautiful, crisp morning.

September is my favorite month of the year.

I coast all year through with the creativity I generate during September..

I'm looking forward to the fall time in montreal.

I was going to start up another company here in Montreal.

My last company Witches with Brooms Cleaning Services was extremely successful.

After one year of being in business, my company was making $17,000 a month in Vancouver.

I sold my contracts for $50,000 last year and moved back to Quebec.

But I decided that I will continue with my writing instead.

Get some of the books I've started writing finished.

Tie up some loose end writing pieces like this one.

I left cowansville.

I live in Montreal now.

I rented a small apartment downtown.

I live on the 5th floor.

No elevator.

I love that.

Im serious.

It will keep me in shape for all the interviews I have a feeling are coming.

Jesse is doing well. He's clean and sober today. He keeps himself isolated where he can't self destruct. He's happy. But sad for me.

Josh runs a successful mason business in Vancouver BC. He has PTSD from the 3 years he did inside the french prisons. It fucked him up for life and often explodes insanely.

Madison is glorious and doing good. She's similar to me, and it's scary sometimes, but much smarter than I was at 21.

Sam is the only kid speaking to me right now. She's still in Kamloops BC. She lives with her boyfriend. We're always trying to get her to move back.

I saw Belle, my youngest daughter once in 2018 when we came to Quebec for a vacation to see her.

I drop her off parcels at her aunt's house. I just leave it outside.

Maddy keeps an eye on her through social media. She's 13. I'm dropping her off a laptop and a copy of my autobiography. I hope she'll understand that she wasn't the only kid I didn't raise. I always knew she was good with her Dad.

Mom's getting older but she's loving having Maddy and Jesse living with her. They all just saved each other's lives.. again, by coming together. We are a tight family, we need each other to survive.

We don't all get along all the time but we work it out and come around.

Please life, don't be so cruel as to have them finally turn their backs on me after being so loyal to me all these years.

Just for this time to best the last, last time I let them down.

Will they be around me to see it

It's only Shayna from the family that's speaking to me right now.

As long as there's still one or two talking to me I'm still in the game.

I am doing ok now.

Today.

I am doing much better.

I have learned never to say never.

But just for right now.

I'm clean and sober.

I still can't believe that I made it out alive.

Or did I

I am 49 years old.

Tammy-anne Deslongchamps

September 17 2020